Birthday Grinch

Hi, I’m Janay, and I am the Birthday Grinch.

This is the first year that I have actually tried to not have a birthday. Not because of getting older or anything. I really don’t feel like I am 28 (probably because I spend most of my free time with high schoolers) so the age thing doesn’t really bother me.

I’m not sure what it is, but everything birthday related is making me a cranky grump. My roommate asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday this year and all I want to do is see a movie. Granted, the theater I want to go to has recliners (and a wine dispenser!) but seriously, I have come down with a serious case of being a lame birthday grouch.

I have actually made an effort to help people forget my birthday this year.  For example, at work, people make a big deal out of birthdays, so, I took my ‘trusted’ friend aside last week and told her that I really didn’t want anything to be done as it just makes me feel uncomfortable. It had the opposite effect. When I walked into the office this morning my little cubical was decorated in banners and twinkle lights and confetti and streamers. I took a picture and sent it to another friend (who is obnoxiously trying to let everyone know) with the caption of “asdf;lkmjfdvnj;akdjshkf.” Her response was laughter. Thanks, Ash.

Why in the world am I having such an issue this year with receiving from others? I get so annoyed when others don’t let me bless them. Apparently, it’s just a double standard, which, clearly, I have become the queen of.

Anyway, what is our (my) issue with accepting love and gifts and blessings?

Do we (I) feel unworthy? Are we (I) afraid of intimacy (emotional, spiritual, mental) with others? Maybe we (I) just plain don’t like people. Is there a feeling of ‘owing’ someone afterwards? I don’t know.

 Or maybe I didn’t want people to know that it was my birthday because, I mean, what if no one even said ‘happy birthday!?’ Since, clearly, I am at the center of the world, devastation would set in for sure, and you would find me face down on the floor of my incredibly disastrous room (which is a whole other issue in and of itself) listening to something super emo that would remind me of the ‘better times.’ Let’s be honest, it would actually  be NSYNC or something equally lame.

Anyway, I digress. Here’s the deal. It comes down to the dumb insecurities that I have of wanting people to like me. As if that will satisfy me. I mean really, I want people to like me, but there will always be one person (at least) who can’t stand that I ask a million questions, or that I have a tendency to use profanity, or that I only brush my hair, at most, once a week.

  I am reminded of Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. “

It is refreshing to read, but sometimes, honestly, I hate reading verses that convict me. At first. Then He softens my viciously stubborn heart, and eventually, I come around. It really is a win-win situation. Having to only have the approval of one (Jesus) and not 6.9 BILLION is kind of a relief.  Especially because I only need to seek the approval of my biggest fan.

So, I am going to (try) enjoy the flowers that were purchased for me, the cookies that were baked, the Diet Cokes that were bought, and every Happy Birthday along the way.  The Birthday Grinch is retiring (sort of, because I most definitely won’t post this until after my birthday).