A Fireplace Heart

Here's the deal. In the recent past, I had a very good and sacrificial friend rummage through my hair for signs of lice. This happened after a cute little girl out in Svay Pak kinda sorta rubbed her head all over mine during a piggy back ride (might I add, I gave her a piggy back ride in wedges on an unpaved road, like a BOSS). Turns out she had lice. But the good Lord blessed me by gifting me with a lice free head. He knows to what degree I would complain about having to comb my mane with one of those teeny tiny torturous devices that get rid of those even worse eggs. I'm sure it was more for the benefit of everyone else. Either way, thank you Jesus!

Literally, right before I started writing this, a tiny black bug crawled from my bed onto my computer, which freaked me out. Needless to say, the bed was stripped and sheets thrown violently into the washer. I Raided the crap out of my room (you know the bug killer spray) and am now sleeping in my roommate's bed since she in in the province and I am pretty sure my entire room is toxic at this point with the amount of chemicals floating around. Crossing my fingers and saying prayers that it was not a bed bug. 

Speaking of Raid, it turns out that it is my new best friend. There is this small walkway on the side of my building that I have to walk through to get to my apartment. I think that it is the cool place to hang out for all the cockroaches, because they are always there. Dear Arizonans, if you know me but at all, you know my disdain for anything that could be considered an insect, especially cockroaches. Well, they are worse here. And by worse I mean, THEY FLY. Also, I am pretty sure that they enjoy the fear they instill in me when I attempt to walk by them unnoticed. Large flying stalker things. 

Exposure therapy has been something that is an everyday occurrence, at least in the creepy crawler department. I feel inclined to say that this form of therapy isn't working for me. I'm probably more scared than ever of bugs. So there's that. 

Anyway, today I had a day of just wanting to go home, partially due to the bugs. It's so cool how Jesus totally knows what we need and uses others to help meet those needs.  Example: my friend Matt from back home texted me and asked how how I was and my exact response was the following: "It is so hot and air conditioning is expensive and I am overwhelmed and I miss my friends and I miss living with Leesh and Reen and sometimes I have to take two showers a day because I sweat so much."

Melodramatic much?

 I half expected Matt to encourage me to hop on a plane back home (I wasn't planning on it and still am not) because sometimes he teases me about it. Instead, his response was quoting scripture and then sweetly telling me how I cannot leave what God has called me to (he then asked me to read his 10 page paper for school, but that's neither here nor there). Just like that God reminded me He has brought me here. And that is enough for me. 

Quite honestly though, I usually do not understand why I am here. Let's face it, there are about a million more qualified, educated, well adjusted, and spiritual people out there than me. Ones who are more equipped to do the job I am about to embark on. People who are smarter at the Bible and don't get as crabby as I can. It makes absolutely no sense. 

There are many things to be afraid of right now or reasons to be discouraged. For me? I am afraid of this new project I am leading. What if it fails? What if I fail? Not only project stuff, but bigger picture stuff too, actually, even more so. The heaviness of this country can be a load to carry at times. Children are being raped as I type this and as you read it. How can anyone really reconcile that?

BUT (what a glorious word). Jesus says this: "Take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

And just like that... apricity (the warmth of the sun in winter). 

That truth ejects any discouragement or fears because, really, He's got to do the heavy lifting, not me. What a relief. He's totally got it. And for me? I get to receive the good news and be a partner in delivering it. 

"Off again into the big wide world, with a fireplace heart and bouquets of good news to share" -B.L.

*I hope this post made sense. My gut tells me, no.*

Crying at the Dentist (again).

Well hello there long lost friends! As it turns out, I am (not surprisingly) terrible at blogging. Phnom Penh has been home for nearly 3 months and y’all have gotten one lousy post. Apologies (I have a feeling apologizing will become very familiar).

Did you guys all have a great Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s? I’m currently (and have been) living vicariously through everyone’s Facebook and Instagram feeds. Mostly for food posts.

 Since you, faithful readers, know my complete disdain for all things dental, you will probably enjoy this story.

So, I was having some sensitivity issues when I drank cold things, so I went to the dentist (shout out to Dr. Chenda!) to make sure I didn’t have a hole in my tooth and you know, to make sure it wasn’t falling out or anything. Turns out, it was much, much worse. Apparently my avoidance in extracting my wisdom teeth over the years, proved to be a terrible choice and the devilish teeth were destroying my jaw. “They must come out!” Dr. Chenda told me.

A few weeks went by before the surgery, so, naturally, I talked about it to everyone seeking any advice possible and probably annoying everyone in my immediate circle over here (probably in the states as well). One friend told me to be prepared because I will be awake and hear the drill echo from the tooth they will be drilling out, all the way up into my ear canal. Wonderful. Not only did I have to go to the dentist (my last cleaning in the states I brought a friend, and I cried) but I had to get my wisdom teeth out. In Cambodia.  With only local anesthetic.  (sidebar: if you know my father, you should ask him about our dental adventures when I was in 8^th grade. He will to this day refer to it as “going to hell and back.” So there’s that).

As I arrived and sat in the chair, which would be my home for the next 3 hours, I started freaking out. The sweet assistants and surgeon assured me it wouldn’t be bad. Pretty sure my thought process was something like “Whatever, what do you know?” As soon as they started wiggling my top tooth I burst into tears. “Sister, does it hurt, is that why you are crying?” “No, I’m just scared,” I said back. Really, I was thinking that this was actually my nightmare coming true, and I was having to pay to be awake for it.

The first tooth came out in 5 minutes, the next one took 2.5 hours. The gross roots of the tooth were so curved that I had two surgeons working on it. It was not a gentle experience.  Apparently, they worked through their lunch to rip the nasty tooth that was clawing onto me for dear life out of my jaw. Time ran out to yank out the other two, so I will be back there in another 2 weeks. They did tell me right before I left, however, that the other side is actually worse. So... something to look forward to!

In addition to my teeth, I can feel other things being ripped out of me that do me absolutely no good. Things that corrupt. Seriously guys, like lots of stuff. Why do we hang onto things that are bad for us? What exactly is the allure?

There have been times in my life where I was grasping onto terrible, terrible things (ideas, behaviours), knowing full well that they were in fact terrible for me. 

I suppose that everyone is different, but I tend to be extra fearful of the unknown and would rather hold onto what I do know, even if it is bad for me. There is some twisted comfort locked in there.

But what if there was assurance in knowing that the end result in prying nasty stuff out of our hearts was actually the road to our actual selves? How we were intended to be in the first place?

Ephesians 5:13-14 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."

My comfort would prefer me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.- Brooke Fraser

Our journey will never be perfect. We will stop and see something that looks pretty, but realize it is actually poisonous. But, take heart. It is those mistakes, wrong turns, and faulty thinking that actually draw us deeper. 

So yes, I should have taken my stupid teeth out years ago. And yes, the avoidance was met with some unpleasant circumstances. Yes there were things in my life that I shouldn't have done, and those were also met with unpleasant circumstances. The cool thing, though, is in some brilliant, backwards-thinking, creative, twist in logic way, there is freedom in failure.  It makes absolutely no sense until you experience it.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side? – Leo Tolstoy

 (I am a disaster without Jesus)